Part 1
The first line in my book, The Toltec Path of Transformation, asks the question, "Have you ever had your life turned upside down in an instant?"
When I wrote that line it was a theory in my own life. But the week my book came out my life was turned upside down in a spectacular way; not in an instant, but in a series of instants that accumulated in a tearing of the fabric of my world.
Damn, I'm glad I wrote a book about change, because I have certainly needed it!
In the beginning of October I waved goodbye to my husband, best friend, beloved, business partner, teaching partner, and main support system as he drove away in his truck packed with his belongings to start a new life in Colorado.
There is obviously backstory to that moment of his departure, a history that led to us having our last long hike and celebratory sushi meal together, a series of events that led to us saying goodbye to each other and to the form of our relationship.
One day I may write about those events. For now I am healing at deep levels of my being. I've been amazed at the magnitude of my own vulnerability, fragility, and grief.
I've been in awe at how my community has supported and loved me through this transition.
I've been aware that this moment in time, this transition is as precious and powerful and perfect as the moment of Raven and my weddings (we had three!), or of our teaching together over the years, or of our teamwork in running Toci. It is all part of a cycle of birth and death, of coming together and moving apart, of creation and dissolution. Life.
I'm learning that dissolving a long-term relationship takes time and patience and great self-love. There are parts of me that are still in shock and disbelief that Raven left. There are parts of me that flip between being scared, sad, furious, overwhelmed, devastated, and wanting my friend back. And there are parts of me that are really happy for Raven as he settles into his new life, and I'm excited to see what he will create next. There are parts of me that are really happy for HeatherAsh as she settles into her new life, and I'm excited to see what she will create next.
Sometimes the transition feels graceful and smooth and effortless, sometimes it feels like my heart has been run over repeatedly by a bus.
And through it all there have been so many gifts. I'm finding a strength inside of me that comes from being with my own process and deeply accepting myself, even when it is messy. Even when it is emotional. Even when my mind has an opinion of how the process should be going. Even when others are disappointed in me. I'm learning to give myself things that I had leaned on Raven to provide. I'm learning to let my friends and family hold me and support me when the waves of shock or fear or grief or anger wash over me. Even though I miss Raven, I love living alone, and I deeply love my life. I'm learning to get even bigger to hold all of myself in love and acceptance.
I'm learning to let go of any stories and focus on what is arising within me to be witnessed, loved, and healed. Moment by moment, day by day. I'm wrapping myself in the immense gratitude I have for Raven and for the beginning, middle, and end of our marriage.
And that is my prayer for all of us humans: that we continue to support each other in releasing stories, opinions, judgments, and fears; not from a place of "you shouldn't have any stories" or "it is wrong to be judgmental." That is the old matrix, the one where we punish ourselves and each other for our experience. Instead, let's honor ALL aspects of ourselves and others, even the parts we don't like. Let's immerse ourselves in the healing salve and sparkly joy of gratitude. We are all so powerful, and we are also so fragile. Let's hold spaciousness for our hearts to expand past old hurts and fears, and lovingly invite change to unfold, like a new butterfly unfurling its wings for the first time. Let's embrace both the caterpillar, the cocoon, and the wet wings part of our process as much as we embrace the flight; because ALL of it is life.
Thanks for being with me on this amazing journey!
And two last shares; one of my favorite poems from Adrienne Rich; a reminder to release ourselves and others from boxes, definitions, and the past.
Delta
If you have taken this rubble for my past
raking though it for fragments you could sell
know that I long ago moved on
deeper into the heart of the matter
If you think you can grasp me, think again:
my story flows in more than one direction
a delta springing from the riverbed
with its five fingers spread
~ Adrienne Rich
And a writing that came into my inbox this morning, from a friend.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ~ Louise Erdrich
Today, like tomorrow and all days to come, I plan to spend licking apple nectar off my fingers and moving deeper into the heart of the matter... deeper into the sweetness of unconditional love, deeper into unconditional acceptance, deeper into unconditional healing, deeper into unconditional living.
